Stop thinking
A note on lived experiences
I am no longer confident that deep reflection for long periods of time is productive.
Before coming to Korea, I spent a lot of time ruminating on my past. I questioned every decision I made and sought answers that were impossible to get. It even got to the point that I rationalized I was in such a reflective state post-grad that I tried shrooms (1.5g of Penis Envy, in case you’re wondering) in the hopes that it would provide me with more clarity on my life.
I remember going through the experience, coming into my bedroom and reflecting on my life. This is how I described it to my friends:
[2026-06-01, 10:55:53 AM] Ryan Haraki: It was like everything has always been there for me to see but I could finally see it. The world exists and that in itself is beautiful but you must allow yourself to see it.
[2026-06-01, 10:56:06 AM] Ryan Haraki: Interestingly it did not help me with the problems I expected it to, rather a different class that was actually more intimate.
[2026-06-01, 10:56:14 AM] Ryan Haraki: For example I came in expecting to have answers about the future (were the decisions I made right and should I change anything so I can accomplish X Y Z).
[2026-06-01, 10:56:21 AM] Ryan Haraki: But rather, I ended up asking why I even wanted to know that, which led to me discovering a deep anxiety about the future and insecurity with my ability to make decisions, which after exploring made me realize that all of my decisions and trajectory are actually amazing and I just didn’t allow myself to see the good parts, i was siloed in worry.
Despite everything I thought I realized and momentary relief from my issues, I found that a few days later I continued to spiral back into my previous stressful state.
It turned out I sought the wrong thing in the first place. I wanted answers about the future. I spent months thinking about the future as it applied to my past, ruminating in the hopes that I would assure myself that I was indeed going to figure everything out and that my newfound confidence derived from deep thought was going to somehow guide me to enlightenment.
Clearly, I was completely wrong! These answers do not exist! In fact, reassurance in oneself seems to be built through lived experiences rather through in the head. A wise person (knowledge applied) is much better equipped to handle the tasks of life than a knowledgeable person who lacks application of their knowledge.
Despite this, I think most people still seek assurance for the future. Two days ago, I tried a tarot reading with with a friend. For the cheap price of $10, someone that knew absolutely nothing about me told me all about what the next 7 years of my life were going to look like. I walked away with the knowledge that “what you want to do will be very hard but you will eventually be successful and people will praise you”. I had spent 6 months trying to come to this conclusion and had failed to. Both my time spent in thought and experience with the tarot reader were equally useless attempts to skip the lived experience of living.
This trip has been a wisening experience for me. For the price of <=$1,200 and about 12 hours of your time, you can get on a plane, sleep, wake up and disembark in an entirely new part of the world that is completely different from what you are used to. Put simply, you can change everything about your environment in only 12 hours.
Throwing yourself into a new environment creates many new challenges. What do you do when you’ve spoken to people every single day for your entire life, and suddenly you cannot communicate with anyone? What do you do when you’ve grown used to cars stopping for you while you’re crossing the street to cars not caring about your existence? What do you do when you go from unlocking your door and tossing the keys onto your desk every day to not knowing how to enter your house?
Each of these are problems I’ve had to deal with. I do things that make me look stupid every day. The other day while eating at a cafeteria, I didn’t realize that you had to insert the metal cups sideways into a dispenser rather than upright and had to have someone help me (to which I still made a mistake and tried to dispose of it elsewhere before they shouted at me to put it sideways). That was embarrassing.
The most interesting part of this is that in overcoming all of these challenges, I actually feel more self-assurance and confidence that I was able to muster in my 6 months of overthinking. Here is an exert of texts I sent my girlfriend:
[2026-06-08, 12:38:20 AM] Ryan Haraki: The last few days things have really turned around from the beginning
[2026-06-08, 12:38:26 AM] Ryan Haraki: I’m now building a real community here
[2026-06-08, 12:38:30 AM] Ryan Haraki: I’m meeting so many ppl
[2026-06-08, 12:38:36 AM] Ryan Haraki: And I’m going to meet so many more people soon
[2026-06-08, 12:38:51 AM] Ryan Haraki: All have been so gracious, kind, giving with their time and welcoming
[2026-06-08, 12:39:02 AM] Ryan Haraki: I feel so grateful l
[2026-06-08, 12:39:16 AM] Ryan Haraki: You know what’s interesting?
[2026-06-08, 12:39:19 AM] Ryan Haraki: This is all because of friend_name
[2026-06-08, 12:39:33 AM] Ryan Haraki: friend_name connected us all
[2026-06-08, 12:39:44 AM] Ryan Haraki: Vicariously through him, although not contactable, I have serendipitously met his friends
[2026-06-08, 12:40:18 AM] Ryan Haraki: It’s thanks to him that I came here and through people he knew that I’ve been able to make new friends
[2026-06-08, 12:40:21 AM] Ryan Haraki: Soon to be so many more
[2026-06-08, 12:40:32 AM] Ryan Haraki: I feel like I’m beginning to build a bit of a life here
[2026-06-08, 12:40:34 AM] Ryan Haraki: And to be honest
[2026-06-08, 12:40:36 AM] Ryan Haraki: I love it here
[2026-06-08, 12:40:39 AM] Ryan Haraki: I absolutely love it
[2026-06-08, 12:40:47 AM] Ryan Haraki: This week has had so many intense ups and downs
[2026-06-08, 12:40:54 AM] Ryan Haraki: I’ve felt such intense anxiety
[2026-06-08, 12:41:00 AM] Ryan Haraki: Nervousness
[2026-06-08, 12:41:02 AM] Ryan Haraki: Awkwardness
[2026-06-08, 12:41:05 AM] Ryan Haraki: Alienation
[2026-06-08, 12:41:09 AM] Ryan Haraki: And loneliness
[2026-06-08, 12:41:16 AM] Ryan Haraki: But I’ve also felt the complete opposite
[2026-06-08, 12:41:24 AM] Ryan Haraki: Tended to
[2026-06-08, 12:41:26 AM] Ryan Haraki: Welcomed
[2026-06-08, 12:41:35 AM] Ryan Haraki: Gracious
[2026-06-08, 12:41:46 AM] Ryan Haraki: Excited
[2026-06-08, 12:41:59 AM] Ryan Haraki: But I feel like I’ve put a foot forward on this journey that I can begin to walk on
[2026-06-08, 12:43:11 AM] Ryan Haraki: This trip has been the most incredible and dynamic experience of my life. I am so glad I did this
[2026-06-08, 12:44:50 AM] Ryan Haraki: I also feel like I’ve learned a lot about myself
[2026-06-08, 12:45:55 AM] Ryan Haraki: I learned about my dependence on people, that I haven’t learned to enjoy my own company, my insecurities with the way I look and fear of being alone, and that I have trouble slowing down. I still haven’t figured out completely how to take things slower. I walk fast as fuck
[2026-06-08, 12:46:57 AM] Ryan Haraki: But I’ve also learned that I can do anything. Every single time I have had a challenge this week, I’ve taken it head on and given it my absolute best shot. Despite shaking uncontrollably before telling an old shopkeeper my food was delicious, I mustered the courage to tell them it was delicious. We both laughed at my terrible Korean and said kind goodbyes as I left the store
[2026-06-08, 12:47:20 AM] Ryan Haraki: While running along the Han river and being passed by someone, I decided I was going to take on more pain than her irrespective of how long she was able to run. I did it
[2026-06-08, 12:48:07 AM] Ryan Haraki: The first day I arrived I sat down in my room for 20 minutes trying to find the courage to leave. I walked out and left, then when I noticed I was almost to scared to enter a coffee shop and talk to someone for the first time, I did it anyways
[2026-06-08, 12:48:39 AM] Ryan Haraki: And, before this trip, I bet that I would have the agency and drive to figure out how to build a life for myself anywhere in the world. I assumed I would be able to ask the right questions, get the right introductions, discover what I like and don’t like, explore and learn more about myself. It seems like I’m doing it!
[2026-06-08, 12:50:31 AM] Ryan Haraki: I wasn’t completely sure what I was going to learn about myself or how I was going to grow when I decided to do this trip, but I’m so glad to just be in the moment figuring things out. I have always been my own biggest enemy but I feel that by the end of this trip I might be my own ally!
[2026-06-08, 12:50:35 AM] Ryan Haraki: We’re all just winging it
To feel confident is to accept that you cannot predict the future to a reliable degree, and to just trust that you decisions will lead you down a path that you love.
Conan O’Brien put this very well in a 2011 commencement speech to the graduating class of Dartmouth. “It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique … If you accept your misfortune, and handle it right, your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound reinvention”. But reinvention requires a real attempt in the first place. You cannot fail meaningfully at something you only thought about, and you certainly cannot succeed
at it. To attempt it means to put yourself out there, to look stupid and embarrass yourself, and try it all over again.
There are no tools to replace living. No drugs, no people, no products or rituals that you can purchase. No matter how confident one may seem in something, you cannot be sold that you will ever have all of the answers. We are all just winging it.
NOTE: Yesterday I decided I will not be doing a daily blog post about my trip anymore (you may have expected this if coming from my X post). You may see more spontaneous posts such as this one.